A long one...

Today was a rather tantrumtic one for me him.
Tonight was a rather nostalgic one for me.

I thought of many things and people.
So where should I begin after all.
Did think of separating each "shoutout" under individual entry but blah~it's rather troublesome.

1) To my inquisitive nature

Many things I don't pry.
I let people tell me themselves.
BUT that doesnt mean I don't know a thing beforehand.
Sometimes I do catch something already.
However such are not done on purpose. I dunno how but by some sheer luck/fate,I manage to know a little.
But sometimes it is pure feeling/intuition.Trust me, it worked for me.
But I don't say a thing till you decide to open to me.

2)To Jason whose kinda bothered by my insecurity and inquisitive nature?

However I wish I could say the same for Jason.
Is it natural or is it overboard in some ways?
In a way I know it is perfectly just girlfriends' nature to want to know everything in and out,past and present about their boyfriends.
It doesnt mean that we are really that insecure. Maybe it does explain that we are but it is just...natural?
I only know that even if I know anything from there,I wont feel very bad unless it's something I take it personally.

That last pic incident (which was too something we argued in MSN earlier this morning.) was nothing too bad,I swear.
I didnt take it as badly as you thought so.
How do I explain that?
Initially I was pissed in a way.
I guess it doesnt matter to me if you look at 'them' on the streets.
I guess it doesn't matter to me if 'they' are someone big and famous.
I guess it doesn't matter to me if 'they' are some R21 materials. (Lolz)
But it does matter to me when they are nothing wow and ain't I good enuff for you?(in that department)
Of cos~I KNOW that those were tongue in cheeks kinda stuff & if I really mind,I wouldnt have even bother you at all.

I cant do anything about my insecurities. Nothing takes them away but sure you lessen them.
Perhaps such insecurity will always remain a part of me.
I know I take things for granted a lot and you become one of them.
But I know,I do realized the role you played in this point of my life.

Many people if not all, take me as someone strong,independent and all.
But you know I’m not.=)

Somehow when I’m with you,all the independence, strong heart vaporized.
I am as kiddish as a 3 year old. I love to whine, to throw tantrums, to do things you like and dislike just to for you to pour the full attention to me.

Maybe this is not fair and good.
Maybe it even seems im making use of this love for me to get something that I am missing out all my life.
That amount of attention and patience is hardly present,unless again I failed to recall and realize.

But I love to be that lil gal trapped in a 21 body of mine when im with you.
I love it when you say im cute/adorable and I knew you mean it.
I love to see you laugh over my stupidity.

It is very amazing that who I am with you alone is so different compared to when im alone.

True is that I will still be that solitaire c8t sometimes.
True is that I will still yearn to be alone and yet want you to be here sometimes. (speaking of all the tough situations if you were my boyfriend.)

I am so complicated outside yet I am so simple inside.

Do you take me for who I am?

I know you do.

3) to my brothers

Lately I vaguely remembered the times when we are really siblings.
It is not that we are not now. We will always be.
We aint so close before but we aint that far off.

I know that my elder brother aint having a good life over UK now.
From that ‘accident’ sms, I know it. Yet I kept it.

He is someone that I kept distance from as I grow.
And that distance grows with me.

The memories of us playing together were hazy now but still they are dear.
I always wish for a brother that would love me to bits like those dramas or so.
I guess it is the wish of every younger sister?

He brought us lots of pain and disenchantment.
Who I am today, I thought was partly due to him.
I gave that thought out. It has nothing to do with my bro. It is the way I am.

Though that still doesnt make it easy for me to try to “forgive” the pain he brought.
I practically deemed him as a liability for us. I am so sad and shame to admit but I really felt so.
Even till now,I have not quite change my view on that.

Rem’ last year, my house broke fire?
I was so grieved that both my brothers chose to stay away instead of living in that ‘black’ house and try to be a support for my parents. (who were both shattered then.)
I was angry with them or rather him.

But still I cannot forget that $60plus Adidas shoes he bought for me either for bday or something I couldnt remember at AMK Sportslink.

That was my first sports shoes.
I wore it all the way till Poly year 1 until I decided that it really looked too ‘man’ for a poly gal.
Ha.

If I am not wrong, that too was his first gift for me.

Too I cannot forget the times we played TV games together.
Laughing so hard and playing so long.

Neither can I forget you are the one that really make me guy-ish~ to say. Cos you bring me to (guys’) comics, RPG games etc.

And I cannot forget how mom literally begged you to come back on phone yester-night.

I didn’t really wish for your return but you aint doing good over there either.

When can you learn?
Prove me wrong by being someone worthy of my respect and love once more.

You are after all my brother.
Nothing can change that.


And to my younger one.

I didn’t exactly like you BUT I LOVE you more so.

Ha.
Yester-night, you brought out those toddler photos of yours.
So adorable!
(how did you become lidat, I always ask.)

I very much regretted of not doting you more esp when you are young.

Infact I was very mean to you those days. You and I were like wicked step mother (me) to snow white.

You always become my venting machine.
I am so sorry,my dear brother.
I cant help me. Ha.

Y’know, I am eventually grateful for a younger brother.
I could have been more ‘autistic’ in a way without you.

I know how you suffered from my “abuses” since young but I too took a lot of blows from you.

It started from me pulling your hair and you biting me to staring at each other to mean verbal abuses to you whacking a big blow on my elbow using those bamboo sword(you know,those kendo ones.).

I really wish that was the last though we still shout at each other, and I foresee that for a little while more.

You are mean, rude, impetuous and all.
I hope you get some control as you grow.

A fine man I see in you.

I never mean to put you down all the times.
Well~A sister gotta do what a sister gotta do.
Haha.

We have lots of bad memories but we have MORE good ones.
Those silly things that we did together is a secret between you and me.

Someday we will all grow old and will have our own life.

But I wish those memories of us fighting our guts out and yet laughed like shite~ the next morning will never fade.

Sigh.
I wish we can go back. I will show you how much I really love you as a brother.
Now aint late but sometimes such things have become weird if you were to practice it now.

4)To a secret recipe. Hehz.

On my way to work this morning, I suddenly recalled this “secret recipe”.

My dad used to has his own stall of chicken rice down my block.
My dad is an excellent cook. Those who know me always hear this. Those who know him will reckon that.
He made his own sauce.

I remembered once every –when-, he would begin to make his own sauce.
A big metal pot.
A no of bottles of soy sauce.
One or two Maggi,erm,I think its MSG sauce?
A packet of SIS sugar.
A wooden paddle spoon.

First pour in all the soy sauce.
Add in the sugar.
Stir.
I always helped to stir though I dislike it cos its very tiring.
My hand always ached from the stiring but still its fun.
Dipped your finger and taste it. (My fav part 1)
Pour in the Maggie (MSG) sauce.
I love to dip my finger to taste that Maggie sauce. I know it is not good for health but who cares?
Continue stirring.
Taste it.
Once voila~pour them in plastic drink bottles thru the funnel.
Very fun!

This whole chunk of memory stroked me outta the blue.

It made me smile and too sad.

5)To my parents

I am never the affectionate daughter.

I grew up seeing how both of you worked all your lives.
I grew up wishing that I grow up so I can bring you folks a better life that you deserve.

Yet this is how my insecurity brews.
I cant never stop envying other kids who had their parents spending them with them. Or rather have enough time to spend time with them to do simple things.
Till now this has become part of who I am.
Doesn’t matter to me at all.

It kinda frustrates me that how till now I aint working towards the ‘aim’ that I wish to achieve for you.

Many a times I stop at the point that I thought I am just trying to make myself sound and look better infront of others by playing a filial daughter.

I WISH that I can be as straight fore as how I am at blogging when it comes to expressing in tongue.

Towards the people whom so close to me at heart, I realized I cant. And that includes Jason.
As if it would kill me to tell you how much I love you.

I hope by the little things I do, you know that I care.

Actually I know you are very happy and proud of me.
But I aint proud but ashamed of myself.

Cos’ I am STILL not giving you a life that I want you to have.

And now I wonder how long it will take me to do that.

It sheds me so much to witness the bad things between both of you sometimes that I rather Im not at home, pretending I dunno a thing.

I too wish to go back once more.

Missed the chance to whine like hell to you.

I missed it and I really miss that.

6) To the next entry.

I knew this is gonna be long and I dun want to carry on.
Such are enough for you to hear most of me.

Maybe there can be somemore.

I know that life aint about rewinding all the time.




But....




Sometimes I am afraid to look forward cos’ I dun wanna lose anything from now again. (like the past.)